Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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