cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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