Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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