3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
