Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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