You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
