matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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