he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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