I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
