It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
