I should be sponsored by Trojan
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
