I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
