Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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