my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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