shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
