So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
