I met the friendliest cop last night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
