Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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