I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
