i always forget guys have bellybuttons
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
