this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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