I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
