Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I FOUND THE LEGS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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