I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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