So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
