Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
