even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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