dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
