so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
