I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
