In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
