i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
