I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
