Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Im part way to drunk.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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