could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
