I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize