When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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