I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
