my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
