I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
