id be glad to
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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