why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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