i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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