i jhust puked up my retainher.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
