You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
