if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
