Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
