A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize