I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
