and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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