Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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