All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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