Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
