If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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