i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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