I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
