If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize