Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
