life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
