I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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