I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
