k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
