I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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