So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
