so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
