Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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